To Speak or Not to Speak

Making a major change in life is rarely an easy feat. So, it probably comes as no surprise that being back in Canada has been extremely challenging. I left my good-paying job teaching English as a second language abroad only to come home and ponder on the fact that, although I may be a good talker, I'm not a good communicator. Bad teacher!

I feel ashamed because part of what I teach is communication, and as a communications instructor I'm supposed to convey the importance of effective communication. Now, I wonder if this (negative) trait has been trailing behind me longer than I thought. I fully admit that I struggled with discussing things-period-with Habibi. Never one to open up to me, he felt the need to not only keep me in the dark, but lie outright and manipulate words so that I was always the one to blame. When I decided that things wouldn't work out with my ex-fiance, I had to state why I was calling off our engagement. Imagine my shock and horror when he told me months later that he had no idea why I'd left him.

At this point, I feel that I am at fault. Now I must rectify the situation. Easier written than done.

In my blog posts I have absolutely rambled on-and-on unnecessarily, gone on tangents and added too much embellishment, but I'm very aware that I've done those things and chalked it up to my stream of consciousness "mode" of writing. At this time, however, I'm faced with the fact that my relationships with friends and family are one-sided and/or stagnant. Is this a result of technology? Busy lives? Distance? I don't know. Frankly, I'm tired of guessing. I mean, isn't this supposed to be an issue when you're 22, not 32??? I was under the impression that with age came the ability to clearly disclose one's emotions, opinions and other general information. I know that communication can come in various forms: body language, sign language, implied meaning, lack of communication, etc., but why is it that people choose either to be dishonest or say nothing at all? Part of me desires to explain to those I care about what kind of communicator I am and that I enquire about what type of communicator the other person is so that I know from the outset what to expect. Is this over complicated?

Alas, I leave this question to all readers out there; feel free to respond in the comment section below :)  I hope to write on a happier note next time!